Envious.
Jealous.
Feeling lost in both.
Even when I get the big avatar, this kind of feeling is still there.
I use the big one to heal my loneliness, to forget about my current state, but still...
Life is full of circumstances. I wish my life hadn't changed too much. I wish to have a more stable life so that I don't have to feel the tiredness hidden inside my soul. I wish time went back to those last years, around the same time as this, when I started booking ticket and waiting to go back home for holiday. But now...
I don't want to think about what will happen after this Taiwan trip. I don't want the enthusiasm of waiting fades with time, as in fact, after this trip, I have nothing left to wait for. No coming back home, nothing in particular. Instead, I can see hard-time waiting for us in US.
If I tell my family this feeling, they will scold me.
If I tell my friends this feeling, they will laugh at me and say "What are you trying to complain here? Your life is so much better than ours..." - I hate this the most. You don't know anything about my life. If I laugh, it doesn't mean I'm being happy. I always think of what I have had in life to forget my uncertainty. I always try to laugh to forget my worries.
I wish time was back to a few years, when I could eagerly wait for the day going back home.
But time moves forward and life changes, so do I...