For some reason I feel like that person is me )))))))....... Either way, I will write down all of my feelings... right now....
If yes, I admit, right now, I don't have any thought of contacting anyone. I'm tired, really, very, definitely...
We're different from the way we think, the way we look at situations and the way we idolize someone. For me, when I love (idolize) a person, i'd spend around 3 months to fancy everything about him. The rest of the time i'd only look at his bad sides.... By doing that, I will be able to stop myself from being too sensitive about everything belongs to him. You're different. And that indicates another different between us. I've been so lonely the past 4 years, especially the 3rd year. So lonely that more than one occasion I even thought of giving up everything and just let my life be the way it would be, I thought I wouldn't care anymore. But I just couldn't do that. My life now is not only mine anymore. It contains my family's blood and tears, it contains the futures of my siblings. I always have to look at tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow to live for today. I just don't have the chance to live today knowing today like most of you have had anymore. I know I've already let it go 4 years ago. That's why I always have to look for tomorrow, ahead of time to avoid myself from being hurt... And I know I will be hurt, sooner or later... We just cannot forget that he is already 30. Soon enough he will have a family of his own and in the end a fan is just a fan... Maybe it is just me, but I know I cannot bear it... That is the real reason why I always keep him far away from me in a safe distance, though I always look for his steps in the end...
You said you were the only one who has tried to maintain our relationship? And you always have to say sorry? This sentence hurts me the most ^_^... Maybe I've done something to make you feel like that... If that so, I'm sorry for unintentionally making you think like that.
But.... have you ever felt like being ignored by those who you thought you would do anything for?
I don't want to boast about myself... At least I've done enough to not feel ashamed of myself after dragging all of you into this... But sometimes... I really want to hear a word "thanks" ^_^.... A simple word but really encourages me a lot to do more, to push forward the plan.... But it seems like I've been around here too much ).... too much that most of people really think that it's my responsibilities to do so.... The word "thanks" even coming from your mouths sounds nothing but a feeling of politeness... And that makes me tired....
If ever.... If ever you know what I've been through just to get a slight contact with the korean fcs....
If ever... If ever you know what I feel when giving out something but people don't seem to care... or not even read what it is... after you have promised the other fcs that you would bring a bright result to them...
If ever... if ever you know how hard it is to stay calm when people are talking behind my back...
If ever... if ever you know how difficult it is to get sponsorship... Even if you're tired from all the talkings and just want to punch them, you still have to keep your face straight and smiling... And in the end, only few people came... I did not allow myself to look sad... Because if I showed it, others would feel burdened... But for me, I admit, I was disappointed...
And if ever... if ever you know how I so wanted to cry out loud ịn the middle of the busiest street in Seoul just because I felt them so far away from me, from us... It felt like you love someone but you don't know how it would lead to next... That's also my feeling when I came to Goodenter...
Because of those pressures, sometimes I really don't want to talk to anyone... I don't want to be a person who talks a lot, but do nothing. If I let myself become like that, those people who did and do talk behind my back would laugh at me again and think "See, i was right". Some of you may tell me to ignore them, but I just can't... because I still have my dignity... If I can't do anything like this, how would I face other much more complicated things later throughout my life?...
And yet, I still made a mistake by making you think like that... If ever you feel like being ignored by me, sorry... I just don't know how to deal anymore, really... I'm tired... Family problems, present, future of my own... I'm just tired... Feel like you do and expect a lot, but in the end you're still a loser... Nothing comes right... And maybe like you said, a spare time for both of us would be an appreciation.
Feel like less energy than ever before ^_^....
Thanks for that post, thanks for letting me know what you think about me... I hope the others, all of you, especially you - sha, if you have any problems with me, please say it out! Better now than never, I promise I will always be reasonable. I will listens to all of your sayings, even scolding is fine... I want to face all of these and find out how to deal with all of you instead of sitting here and predict unnecessarily. Shinhwavn is for a long run, please don't let it down just because of disagreement among us, basically between you all and me.
If yes, I admit, right now, I don't have any thought of contacting anyone. I'm tired, really, very, definitely...
We're different from the way we think, the way we look at situations and the way we idolize someone. For me, when I love (idolize) a person, i'd spend around 3 months to fancy everything about him. The rest of the time i'd only look at his bad sides.... By doing that, I will be able to stop myself from being too sensitive about everything belongs to him. You're different. And that indicates another different between us. I've been so lonely the past 4 years, especially the 3rd year. So lonely that more than one occasion I even thought of giving up everything and just let my life be the way it would be, I thought I wouldn't care anymore. But I just couldn't do that. My life now is not only mine anymore. It contains my family's blood and tears, it contains the futures of my siblings. I always have to look at tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow to live for today. I just don't have the chance to live today knowing today like most of you have had anymore. I know I've already let it go 4 years ago. That's why I always have to look for tomorrow, ahead of time to avoid myself from being hurt... And I know I will be hurt, sooner or later... We just cannot forget that he is already 30. Soon enough he will have a family of his own and in the end a fan is just a fan... Maybe it is just me, but I know I cannot bear it... That is the real reason why I always keep him far away from me in a safe distance, though I always look for his steps in the end...
You said you were the only one who has tried to maintain our relationship? And you always have to say sorry? This sentence hurts me the most ^_^... Maybe I've done something to make you feel like that... If that so, I'm sorry for unintentionally making you think like that.
But.... have you ever felt like being ignored by those who you thought you would do anything for?
I don't want to boast about myself... At least I've done enough to not feel ashamed of myself after dragging all of you into this... But sometimes... I really want to hear a word "thanks" ^_^.... A simple word but really encourages me a lot to do more, to push forward the plan.... But it seems like I've been around here too much ).... too much that most of people really think that it's my responsibilities to do so.... The word "thanks" even coming from your mouths sounds nothing but a feeling of politeness... And that makes me tired....
If ever.... If ever you know what I've been through just to get a slight contact with the korean fcs....
If ever... If ever you know what I feel when giving out something but people don't seem to care... or not even read what it is... after you have promised the other fcs that you would bring a bright result to them...
If ever... if ever you know how hard it is to stay calm when people are talking behind my back...
If ever... if ever you know how difficult it is to get sponsorship... Even if you're tired from all the talkings and just want to punch them, you still have to keep your face straight and smiling... And in the end, only few people came... I did not allow myself to look sad... Because if I showed it, others would feel burdened... But for me, I admit, I was disappointed...
And if ever... if ever you know how I so wanted to cry out loud ịn the middle of the busiest street in Seoul just because I felt them so far away from me, from us... It felt like you love someone but you don't know how it would lead to next... That's also my feeling when I came to Goodenter...
Because of those pressures, sometimes I really don't want to talk to anyone... I don't want to be a person who talks a lot, but do nothing. If I let myself become like that, those people who did and do talk behind my back would laugh at me again and think "See, i was right". Some of you may tell me to ignore them, but I just can't... because I still have my dignity... If I can't do anything like this, how would I face other much more complicated things later throughout my life?...
And yet, I still made a mistake by making you think like that... If ever you feel like being ignored by me, sorry... I just don't know how to deal anymore, really... I'm tired... Family problems, present, future of my own... I'm just tired... Feel like you do and expect a lot, but in the end you're still a loser... Nothing comes right... And maybe like you said, a spare time for both of us would be an appreciation.
Feel like less energy than ever before ^_^....
Thanks for that post, thanks for letting me know what you think about me... I hope the others, all of you, especially you - sha, if you have any problems with me, please say it out! Better now than never, I promise I will always be reasonable. I will listens to all of your sayings, even scolding is fine... I want to face all of these and find out how to deal with all of you instead of sitting here and predict unnecessarily. Shinhwavn is for a long run, please don't let it down just because of disagreement among us, basically between you all and me.